Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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