Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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