I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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