His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
