my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
