I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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