no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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