Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
