Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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