where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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