I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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