Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
