He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
