tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Randomize
