we have officially lost it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
