I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
