WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
