There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
