First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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