Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My vagina just recognized that song.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
