from now on my penis is your penis
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
