You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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