Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
