My liver just broke up with me...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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