did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
