chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
