I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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