After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
