i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
