Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
