I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Alive.
So much puke
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
