he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
