the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
