420 ftw
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
