I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
