he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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