If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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