I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
