i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
