Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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