We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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