Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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