the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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