Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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