Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
