my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
