did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
