Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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