I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
