This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
