Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
