i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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